House Season 6, Episode 3 – Epic Fail:
House: My leg’s killing me. Cooking helped for a while. I guess I got bored. My leg started hurting again, then I got worried, and that made the pain worse.
Dr. Nolan: What are you worried about?
House: That nothing’s gonna help. That I end up in the very dark place. I’m fine… Just not happy.
Dr. Nolan: I didn’t let you out because you were happy. I let you out, because I believe you had the skills to cope with that. You tried one thing. It didn’t work. So move on. Write. Play chess.
House: What if nothing works? What if nothing gives me more than a few days before my brain starts looking for the next fix, before my leg feels like someone’s shoving nails into it? What do I do then?
Dr. Nolan: If nothing in the world can hold your interest, uh, we’ll deal with that when we get to it. But you have to trust me, and you have to be patient.
I can relate a lot to how House feels here. Although the last several weeks I have been quite depressed, for most of this year I have been “fine…just not happy.” In fact, I have been pretty miserable. On the surface though, things are fine – I’m maintaining my weight, going to class, going to work etc. I have great friends and a family. But I’m not happy because my brain simply will not shut up.
Like House, I worry that nothing is going to work. In his case he is looking for a distraction from the pain in his leg, in my case I am looking for relief from the eating disorder, depression, and anxiety. I have a new treatment plan that seems to be working well, but it is very slow going and, well, I am not a patient person. Everyone keeps telling me that it is going to take time. After all, I have had an eating disorder for 18 years – it isn’t going to go away with a few months of recovery. I am trying to hang on and trust everyone, but it is definitely quite hard some days.