Every Day

From Mom Season 3, Episode 18 “Beast Mode and Old People Kissing”:

Adam: Where you going?

Bonnie: We’ve got a meeting.

Adam: You just had a meeting last night.

Bonnie: I know, but then I woke up today and I was still an alcoholic. 

I recently started watching Mom on CBS, and I love it. Of course I love Allison Janney in anything, but I especially like the way the show deals with addiction and recovery. It shows that recovery is hard work, but possible with support. It also shows that relapses can happen, but also that it is possible to get back on track.

Bonnie (the Mom, who is in recovery) has the above exchange with her new boyfriend. He doesn’t understand why she goes to meetings so frequently until she shows him a tape of her drunk and out of control at a wedding.

Just that one line “I know, but then I woke up today and I was still an alcoholic” says so much. I know that for me it is easy to forget that I still have to be diligent about recovery and following a meal plan. I will have a few good days, and then think “see, I’m fine, I don’t need this.” This happened recently when I went on vacation – I was so focused on having a good time on vacation that I put having fun first and following the meal plan second. My therapist said that is like an alcoholic thinking “I can just have a few drinks, I’m on vacation.”

While I know that my therapist is right, it wasn’t until I watched this episode and heard this quote that it really struck me. Every day that I wake up, I am still a person that has an eating disorder. I may be in recovery, but I still need to be diligent about recovery every day. This quote is also a good reminder that while in recovery it is ok, and in fact a good thing, to continue to ask for help, whether that be going to meetings, going to therapy, etc.

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Be Patient

House Season 6, Episode 3 – Epic Fail:

House: My leg’s killing me. Cooking helped for a while. I guess I got bored. My leg started hurting again, then I got worried, and that made the pain worse.

Dr. Nolan: What are you worried about?

House: That nothing’s gonna help. That I end up in the very dark place. I’m fine… Just not happy.

Dr. Nolan: I didn’t let you out because you were happy. I let you out, because I believe you had the skills to cope with that. You tried one thing. It didn’t work. So move on. Write. Play chess.

House: What if nothing works? What if nothing gives me more than a few days before my brain starts looking for the next fix, before my leg feels like someone’s shoving nails into it? What do I do then?

Dr. Nolan: If nothing in the world can hold your interest, uh, we’ll deal with that when we get to it. But you have to trust me, and you have to be patient.

I can relate a lot to how House feels here. Although the last several weeks I have been quite depressed, for most of this year I have been “fine…just not happy.” In fact, I have been pretty miserable. On the surface though, things are fine – I’m maintaining my weight, going to class, going to work etc. I have great friends and a family. But I’m not happy because my brain simply will not shut up.

Like House, I worry that nothing is going to work. In his case he is looking for a distraction from the pain in his leg, in my case I am looking for relief from the eating disorder, depression, and anxiety. I have a new treatment plan that seems to be working well, but it is very slow going and, well, I am not a patient person. Everyone keeps telling me that it is going to take time. After all, I have had an eating disorder for 18 years – it isn’t going to go away with a few months of recovery. I am trying to hang on and trust everyone, but it is definitely quite hard some days.