From Private Practice Season 5, Episode 21 – Drifting Back:
Jake: Are you planning a slip? My wife used to play with one of those [sobriety chip] when she was planning a slip.
Amelia: You don’t plan a slip. That’s that’s why they call it a slip. It’s just..you fall. Sometimes. Sometimes you fall.
On the one hand, I can understand where Jake is coming from. I know that when I used to struggle more with binging and purging, there would be times when I would plan those events. However, I don’t think in those events that I was planning a slip – I think I was already in the midst of a relapse, and thus just planning on keeping it going.
For me, I can very much relate to what Amelia says when she says “it’s just…you fall.” I recently had a discussion with my treatment providers where they basically gave me the choice between continuing to strive for recovery, or just trying a harm reduction approach. They asked me this because I have had a number of hospitalizations this year, which might indicate that I am just not ready to accept the weight restoration and meal plan that recovery requires. I thought quite hard about it, and ultimately told them, for a variety of reasons, that I do want to keep trying for recovery.
Despite making this commitment, I have had a number of slips over the last couple of weeks. After each one, I find myself looking back and thinking “how did I get here? If I really do want recovery, how come I can’t keep making the right choices?” My therapist response to that was “um, you have an eating disorder.” While I still feel guilty for not being perfect (I could do another post on perfectionism and recovery), she does have a point. Just like Amelia said, sometimes you just fall.
Slips are going to happen, and the important thing is to get back up despite the fall, and keep on going. Keep on walking towards that ultimate goal, knowing that sometimes you are going to fall, and that’s ok. No one is perfect.