You Feel Worse (At First)

From Code Black Episode 13 – “First Date”:

Dr. Rorish: Will therapy make me feel any better?

Therapist: Not if it’s working…Let me ask you something. Are you really ready to walk away from a job that is your whole life?

Dr. Rorish: That’s the very reason I’m here.

I know that I have blogged about this concept before, but I am writing about it again because it could not be more timely for me right now. I just finished a month of intensive treatment, and although I am nutritionally more stable than I was a month ago, I actually feel a lot worse. Physically I am nauseated, bloated, and exhausted. Mentally my depression and anxiety are far worse than they were when restricting was numbing me out.

I am very frustrated that I do not actually feel any better despite being objectively healthier from a nutrition standpoint, but my treatment professionals keep telling me the same thing that Dr. Rorish’s therapist told her – that the fact that treatment is working doesn’t mean that it is going to make me feel better. In fact, the very fact that I do not feel better actually means that it is working. Dr. Rorish was throwing herself into work in an attempt to numb herself from feeling all of the uncomfortable things that she did not want to feel in the same way that the eating disorder numbs me out. So, therapy is going to feel awful (at first).

Also, I kind of feel like I am having to do what her therapist asks of her with regards to walking away from something. The eating disorder is not my whole life, but it is a very powerful coping strategy. It is very hard to walk away from something that has seemingly worked so well or taken up a big chunk of your life. However, it is really the only way for me to move forward, in the same way that she needs to refocus her energy if she is going to get over her trauma.

On that note, everyone should start watching Code Black because as you can see from this post and past posts, it really has some excellent messages and writing 🙂

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