House Season 5, Episode 23 “Under My Skin”:
House: Why don’t I feel scared?
Wilson: I’d say you’re unaware of what you’re feeling at this moment.
House: I feel like crap. My life if falling apart, but I don’t feel scared. Not of the rehab, anyway…It won’t work.
Wilson: You want it to work this time…House, it’s your only option.
House: What do I do if my only option won’t work?
Wilson: You don’t give up.
The above exchange occurs after House admits to Wilson that he is having hallucinations, and all causes other than his Vicodin addiction have been ruled out as the cause for the hallucinations. Thus, he agrees to go to rehab, and is packing when him and Wilson have the above conversation.
Lately, I have been in kind of a depressive funk, and it is making everything a lot harder in terms of ED recovery.Thankfully, my life is not falling apart. I am still managing to work despite the depression, and I have amazing friends and family. But, just like House, I feel more like crap than I do scared. I would say that unlike House, there is a part of me that is scared, but overwhelmingly, I just don’t feel well (physically and mentally). Perhaps what Wilson says about not being sure of what House is feeling holds true for me too. House is probably unaware of what he is feeling due to the drugs, but for me, it’s the depressive funk clouding my emotions.
Regardless, I will say that I can relate to the hopelessness House seems to feel. I feel like I am out of options. I’ve done inpatient and PHP a bunch of times, and although they have helped, I am often unable to sustain the gains I’ve made. I’ve also done IOP that is more focused on the mood stuff than the ED, and again, while it has helped me learn certain things intellectually, it hasn’t really translated into lasting behavior change. I currently have a wonderful outpatient therapist, but even she is frustrated with how I continue to get caught in the trap of the ED.
As corny as it sounds though, hearing Wilson say “you don’t give up” actually helped me feel a little better. I may feel as if I have no more options, but I have to keep reminding myself that giving up is also not an option. I may feel right now like nothing will work, but it will. So thanks Wilson, for giving me a little boost on this Friday morning 🙂