From this past week’s episode of Grey’s Anatomy. It really hit home about “managing” things. I usually feel like I am managing things fine, and then seemingly out of nowhere things start to crumble. But as Owen points out, perhaps I am actually doing too good a job of managing things. Rather than trying to manage things and keep everything under control, I need to allow myself to experience the ups and downs, the good days and bad days. Maybe the more I try to keep up this appearance of managing, the more I’m actually setting myself up to relapse. Oh, and spoiler alert – Derek is dead.
Amelia: I’ve got the dead-Derek thing completely managed…but I’m good. I got this. I am fine….except today, I yelled at Richard… Who was only trying to invite me for coffee, and then I went and scored oxy from this junkie doctor.
Owen: But you haven’t taken any?
Amelia: Not yet. But I might. That’s the thing. I really actually might. I have been sober for 1,321 days, Owen. I was fine. It was managed. But I might.
Owen: All this stuff you’re… managing… You’re not supposed to be managing it. You’re supposed to be feeling it… grief, loss, pain. It is normal.
Amelia: It’s not normal.
Owen: It is. It is normal. It’s not normal to you ’cause you’ve never done it… instead of feeling it, feeling the grief and the pain, you’ve shoved it all down and you do drugs instead. Instead of moving through the pain, you run from it. Instead of dealing with being hurt and alone and afraid that this horrible, empty feeling is all there is, I run from it. I run off, and I sign up for another tour of active duty. We do these things. We run off, and we medicate. We do whatever it takes to cover it up and dull the sensation, but it’s not normal. We’re supposed to feel. We’re supposed to love and hate and hurt and grieve and break and be destroyed and rebuild ourselves to be destroyed again. That is human. That is humanity. That’s being alive. That’s the point. That’s the entire point. Don’t avoid it. Don’t extinguish it. Derek died. [Voice breaking] He died.
Amelia: I don’t want to feel it. I don’t think I can. I don’t think I even want to…I can’t. I can’t. I can’t do this. I can’t.
Owen: You have to. If you don’t…
Amelia: No, I can’t. Shh, I can’t do this!
Owen: You have to. If you don’t, that bag of oxy’s not gonna be your last. You’re gonna be okay. You’re gonna survive this, okay? Everybody does. It’s perfectly normal. It’s boring, even. It’s so normal.