Meredith: “It’s only as adults that we become difficult. We start to hide feelings, put up walls…Without meaning to, we become masters of disguise…It’s not always easy to speak your mind, sometimes you need to be forced to do it.” ~ Grey’s Anatomy
Today I watched the episode with the above as the voiceover, and it fit perfectly with a conversation I had with a friend. I was telling this friend that for me, one of the scary things about going into a higher level of care is being forced to admit to people that I am not ok. I try really hard to keep on a happy face and not let people know that I am struggling. My MO for the past few years has been to put up walls and a tough exterior, only to wind up being forced to confess that things are not ok because I have to tell people that I am going into inpatient or PHP.
I recognize that it would be much more effective for me to be honest about my ups and downs and ask for help before the situation spirals too far downward. Every time it happens, I say “next time I will ask for help before things get too bad”, and yet I continue to hide things until I am forced to be more open. Even then I am not always 100% honest. I think some of that is my own denial, but some of it is also that it’s just plain hard, as Meredith says, to speak your mind.