I’ve been re-watching Grey’s Anatomy lately, and this was the voice over on an episode I watched today:
“After a trauma, your body is at its most vulnerable. Response time is critical. So you’re suddenly surrounded by people, doctors, nurses, specialists, technicians…Putting you back together again…once it’s over, the real healing begins. It’s called recovery. Recovery is not a team sport. It’s a solitary distance run. It’s long. It’s exhausting. And it’s lonely as hell.”
I thought that I had blogged about this quote before, but in actuality I was thinking of this Grey Thinking post about the same quote: Recovery is Not a Team Sport. Definitely read it – it’s very insightful, as usual.
Building off of Grey Thinking’s post, even though I have been in treatment for forever, I guess I am still in the part of recovery that Grey defines as early recovery. Why? Because I am in the phase that feels, as the quote says, “…long…exhausting. And it’s lonely as hell.”
Now luckily I have some great friends and a great therapist, both of which help with the loneliness part. I still sometimes feel like I cannot really share what is actually going on in my head, or they would run for the hills. But, I know that it could be much, much worse, and I really am very grateful for my amazing support system.
However, I can definitely relate to the long and exhausting part. I feel like I have been in treatment forever, and I still have a long way to go. I still count calories. I still worry 24/7 about gaining weight, and obsess about what to eat and what not to eat. Moreover, even though I am not doing perfectly when it comes to recovery, I am pushing myself, and it’s exhausting. Even though food is a source of energy, I am 100x more tired on the days that I eat more, probably from all of the mental energy I have to put into planning and fighting the ED thoughts. So yes, it feels like quite a long and exhausting process.