I have blogged before about being paralyzed by high expectations and the fear of failure: If You Don’t Try, You Can’t Fail. In that entry, I also talked about how the eating disorder serves as an excuse, a scapegoat of sort. I can always think “well, maybe I would have had more friends, or a boyfriend, or done better at XYZ if I hadn’t been so obsessed about food and weight.” I can blame my tiredness or lack of energy on eating disorder behaviors. However, if I am still tired, obsessed with food and/or alone when I am a healthy weight and following my meal plan, then what? Does that mean that I am going to be miserable, tired, and alone forever?
I was reminded of this while watching House M.D. reruns today. The quote from my previous blog entry is from Season 4. House says it to a patient. In Season 5 Episode 1, Cuddy points out that House does the same thing he accuses his patient of – he is afraid of letting himself be vulnerable. He wants a scapegoat, something to blame:
Cuddy: “You don’t want to believe it. Because if you tell Wilson how you actually feel about him, about what happened to Amber, about your part in what happened, and he walks out the door anyway… If you make yourself vulnerable for once in your nerve-deadening, emotionally obliterating…” (Dying Changes Everything”)