I haven’t blogged in forever, but I am trying to get back at it. So, here goes nothing.
I was watching House on Friday, and there was a part where Cuddy said to House “You’re afraid to be happy.” I misheard it though as “you’re afraid to be healthy,” and surprised myself by thinking “yes, that’s it” when I misheard the quote. I thought more about it, and realized that it’s not that I’m afraid to be healthy, but rather I’m afraid that I won’t ever be healthy, especially from the mental side of things. One of the reasons why weight gain scares me so much is because I am afraid that it’s going to be just like it was in high school/undergrad…I am going to gain weight, but still struggle with behaviors and the mental aspects. However, because I look ok, everyone will just assume I am ok, and I am going to be stuck a depressed, calorie counting, low energy, yet healthy weight mess.
I am at a point right now where I just want to be healthy and happy. I am so sick of being sick and tired. But because I have yet to experience actually feeling better from treatment (see my previous post), I am also scared that gaining weight and following my meal plan is going to lead to nothing but weight gain. If I had a crystal ball and could see that the weight gain would also lead to more energy, less intense eating disorder thoughts, and overall happiness, it would be so much easier.