I can relate to this article very, very much. I want recovery, but I feel hopeless about ever feeling better physically or mentally, and that is leading me to feel very stuck and exhausted. I am just getting tired of fighting in general.
I definitely recommend reading the whole article, but here are the parts (in italics) that I could particularly relate to. My thoughts are below:
I wasn’t complacent, but I was tired of trying and motivation had run its course…Anorexia is exhausting, but fighting against it every waking moment for weeks, months or even years and feeling as though you’re achieving nothing – that is hard.
You assure yourself you’re ok, you’re fine, you’re following your meal plan and that’s all you need to do to be well. But you worry and anorexia will tell you that if you’re following your meal plan, you’re not really ill in the first place, you’re a fraud, a fake and a liar… so you might skip breakfast. Just one meal, it’s fine.
Being stuck means that you are constantly fighting for both sides…That’s not living. It’s existing, with the daily struggle of batting off unwanted thoughts and feelings every time you allow yourself to do something you deserve to do; eat.
It is that place where a person can appear ‘normal’, both physically and mentally, and yet be struggling immensely with disturbing and destructive thoughts and feelings. These people go unnoticed and increasingly, it seems to me that it’s almost accepted that people feel actual shame and even hatred at their own eating habits, body shapes and weights.
This is how I feel a lot of the time. I have motivation to reach the long term goal of recovery, but the motivation to keep going to program day after day is waning. I know that I am achieving something long term, but sometimes it feels like there is no end in sight. To everyone else, I appear normal physically and mentally, but inside I am still struggling with a lot of back and forth thoughts and a lot of guilt for eating. The hope that with time these thoughts will decrease is what keeps me pushing through treatment, but at the same time the ED keeps saying “your weight is normal, you are not exercising or purging, so you’re fine.” It’s exhausting, and being exhausted makes me depressed, and being depressed makes me even more exhausted, which makes me more depressed, and, well, you get the idea.