It has been almost a year since I updated, which is partly due to being busy and partly due to laziness. It has also been a rough year. In my second to last entry, dated April 16th and titled “Eating Disorder Economics” I said:
“Logically I know that what’s really not fair is that she is struggling and has no support, and if she continues not to eat she will end up inpatient (or worse, dead).”
Well, she died. Only a week after I wrote that. She went inpatient for treatment but her body was just too compromised. I was devastated beyond belief, and I honestly can’t say that I am through the grieving process yet.
I ended up sliding back into old habits, and had to go back to intensive treatment over the summer and the fall. My roommate from my stay over the summer passed away, as did another very good friend of mine. I still can’t comprehend all of these young lives gone too soon.
I am currently still in PHP, working to regain my life. I have a whole list of TV quotes just waiting to be explored, provided that I can get myself in front of my computer long enough to write something coherent. In the meantime, I came across the following non-TV quotes that I would like to share:
The first one is from the friend of mine that passed away last April: “I just can’t wait for the times when there is no worry of either of us being here…It’s gotta happen one day, until then i hope we can support each other thru this hell, so we can look back and say hahahahah!” Whenever I feel like giving up I remember that, and remind myself that I have to keep fighting, keep pushing, and make those dreams a reality – for both of us.
In addition, I came across the following from Marya Hornbacher, the author of the book Wasted that I quoted in a previous post. This quote is not from that book, in fact, I don’t know exactly where it is from, but I find it very applicable:
“I don’t remember when I stopped counting…or when I started just eating when I got hungry, instead of questioning it, obsessing about it, dithering and freaking out, as I’d done for nearly my whole life…I don’t remember exactly when recovery took hold, and went from being something I both fought and wanted, to being simply a way of life…What I know is this: I chose recovery. It was a conscious decision, and not an easy one. That’s the common denominator among people I know who have recovered: they chose recovery, and they worked like hell for it, and they didn’t give up. Recovery isn’t easy, at first. It takes time. It takes more work, sometimes, than you think you’re willing to do. But it is worth every hard day, every tear, every terrified moment. It’s worth it, because the trade-off is this: you let go of your eating disorder, and you get back your life.”
Finally, another quote that I liked:
“Recovery is not simple. Recovery is not easy. Recovery is not fast. Recovery is a grueling process. Recovery is a 24/7 job, with no days off, no breaks, and very few, if any pay days. You are not allowed to quit. You are not allowed to back down, or even just take a day off to rest. You don’t have a choice but to keep going, to keep fighting, because somewhere, somehow, it has to be worth it.”
The PHP program I am in right now is seven days a week, and at least once a day I find myself thinking “I just want a day off” and questioning whether or not all this pain, both physical and mental, is worth it. But as the quotes above emphasize, there can’t just be one day off from recovery, nor is it a passive process. I can’t take a day off from eating, or even a meal. I have to keep choosing to push through, and be patient with the process. To not be afraid when it seems hopeless, and to, as Marya Hornbacher says, to work like hell. I have to keep going and hope that soon eating starts to feel more like LIVING and less like a chore.