Last week in Recovery Planning group, the group leader asked us to list things that get in the way of us embracing recovery fill force. I listed a bunch of things, and then realized they all fall under the category of trust. I have a luck of trust not only in myself, but in the whole recovery process.
On Grey’s Anatomy last season, Meredith said “The goal of any surgery is total recovery – to come out better than you were before. Some patients heal quickly and feel immediate relief. For others the healing happens gradually, and it’s not until months or even years later that you realize you don’t hurt anymore. So the challenge after any surgery is to be patient. But if you can make it through the first weeks and months, if you believe that healing is possible, then you can get your life back. But that’s a big if…What happens when the immediate danger has passed, when the machines are disconnected and the teams of doctors and nurses are gone? Surgery is when you get saved, but post-op, after surgery, is when you heal. But, what if you don’t?”
I have seen some patients feel better almost immediately from treatment; they leave inpatient or are in partial with more energy, concentration etc. Things would definitely be easier if I felt immediate relief from treatment and eating, but right now the majority of the time I feel like crap after I eat and my concentration is still crap. At least when I am restricting, I can say “I have no energy because I am only eating 500 calories a day.” But now when I feel like I am going to pass out from exhaustion or have a horrible headache, I have no excuse to fall back on! As the quote says, I need to believe that healing is possible and just be patient, but I am struggling with that. It’s hard to believe that eating more and gaining more weight will make me feel better in time since what I have gained has not made me feel better yet.
I am also having trouble trusting that if I eat my meal plan, I will gain enough allow me to go back to school (I have to gain a certain amount each week) but not 10 lbs overnight. As House says “Patients always want proof, we’re not making cars here, we don’t give guarantees.” First off, like I mentioned above, I am frustrated and scared no one can give me a guarantee that gaining will make me feel better. Furthermore, I feel like my body is just going to do whatever it wants. In inpatient I had days where I ate fear foods and lost weight the next day, and days that I stuck to safe choices and gained. I have also had times in the past where I eat more and lose, and where I eat less and don’t lose. So, the only “evidence” I have points to not being able to trust my body.
For now though, I am trying to be patient and trust that in time I will heal, and that the professionals know what they are doing. But it definitely isn’t easy.